Well, if this angers you as much as it angers me – then do something about it!

Andre and Jeremy, from All Out, now have a petition aimed at the Swedish Prime Minister, Fredrik Reinfeldt. So go sign it!

The petition

Obviously, I don’t think anyone’s expected to live their life off their website (who knows? I bet someone smarty-pant will put up their hand and say they do). But remember, no one can do everything but everyone can do something.

Nevermind the fact that my bank is on the boycott list Seriously?!? Man!

Ethical Consumer’s website

… Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride…

- Solbeam

It seems half impossible to find a good suicide guide these days. I could’ve sworn that suicide.com used to be an actual suicide guide. Apparently I was wrong. (Yes, you heard correctly, Vania was wrong. Although, the page I was looking for does actually exist, here; it wasn’t just my imagination, it was simply the wrong URL.) Neither is suicide.net or suicide.org of any use if you want to kill yourself. (What these pages are good at, however, is to make you feel understood. I especially like ‘Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain’, posted on metanoia.org. Amen to that! [They even have a nice figure to illustrate!]) As for the Swedish sites sjalvmord.com, sjalvmord.net, and dodshjalp.com (run by the same person)… no good anymore. The dude decided to put these sites to rest. (Why is everyone so pro-life these days!?!?)

So what if you do a Google search for ‘suicide guide’? Well, you typically get comical material taking the piss out of suicide (like this one for example) or intending to make you think/change your mind regarding killing yourself – by making you laugh your way to life. And that’s how I discovered David Wong’s ‘The ten minute suicide guide’. It did make me cry, cause it highlighted my pain. But it also made me laugh (while hidden under my duvet, and trying to lie comfortably while also at the same time trying to scrool down the page on my mobile phone – try that one!). Finally, it made me consider sticking it out until I’m 38… Let’s just hope the pain doesn’t exceed my coping resources before then.

David Wong, ‘The ten minute suicide guide’.

* * * * * * * * * *

Help
I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt
Myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah
I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

- Sia, ‘Breathe Me’

 

Diepsloot is a township in north Joburg. I’ve driven past it a couple of times and a few weeks ago my dad and I went there with Bec and her group of friends from a church in Bryanston. They go there every other week to drop off food parcels.

Diepsloot was an interesting read. I learned so much, not least about politics in this country as there is a heavy element of politics in this book. It’s inevitable though. Diepsloot is all about politics. Already from the beginning, when Diepsloot ‘started’ back in mid 90s when people from another community were supposed to be moved there. The rich white people in the nearby area, however, were not too pleased about this and they started various processes to stop this movement from happening. As this went on for a few years, the formal development of Diepsloot as a community with facilities, amenities, and services got delayed. Meanwhile, people were pouring into Diepsloot from near and far. Today, Diepsloot is estimated to have somewhere between 150,000 and 200,000 inhabitants. And nowhere near the capacity or resources to care for them all…

Although I did find the politics in the book very confusing (there’s so many different groups and the dynamics and structures are so complex!) I, nonetheless, believe it’s an inevitable and important component of the book and I did, as I mentioned before, learn a lot. Obviously, me being me, I also became increasingly frustrated with politics and especially politics in this country and how things are run (and I’m not merely talking about the ANC here).

While reading the book I just had this constant desire to just start another community elsewhere – properly – and then gradually move people from Diepsloot to this amazing community of mine where everyone would be happy and well looked after. Obviously, that’s never gonna happen (dream on!). Also, I’m not too sure it would actually work or solve anything.

One thing that I have learnt by reading this book but mainly through political discussions that I’ve had with local and international friends here in South Africa in the last couple of months is that voting on the basis of race/skin colour is still incredibly prominent in this country. It’s not about voting for who you think might run this country best. It’s about voting for who you think best looks after (although it may not necessarily be right or ‘the truth’) ‘your race’ or the people of your skin colour best. F-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-i-n-g! How is this country ever going to develop and progress if they keep behaving in the same, narrow-minded and race-blinded way they have been behaving for the last 60 odd years?!?

Anyhoo, Diepsloot is not just about politics, it’s about other things as well. It’s about the Bullfrog that lives there who poses a challenge to more houses being built; it’s about the Community Policing Forum that addresses crime and patrolling in Diepsloot, in collaboration with the actual Police, since there is no formal police station in Diepsloot yet (it’s being built… supposedly…); it’s about Mob Justice and how the community takes the law into their own hands and deals with criminals, since the police is absent; it’s about xenophobia and how foreigners and locals need to learn how to live and work together in Diepsloot, instead of killing each other which has been the case a few times since 2008; it’s about shops and trading and making a living, it’s about music, it’s about charity and community development work, and it’s simply about life in Diepsloot.

I found it very interesting to read about life in Diepsloot. It provided good insight into a life that is so different from my own life. It was also frustrating though, for someone like me, who has an interest in caring for people, addressing social issues, and ensuring that everyone is well, healthy, and happy in this world. Diepsloot is far from that vision of mine. Not to say that everyone in Diepsloot is miserable (there’s even a millionaire or two there!) but, simply put , it’s not somewhere I would choose to live if I had the choice. And I, unlike many other unfortunate people, actually have that choice.

As a final note, one feature of this book is that Professor Harber writes incredibly well (well, he bloody better if he’s a journalism professor!). His combination of humour and metaphors results in everything being so well expressed and entertaining to read. And he makes it rather personal by depicting ordinary, individual Diepsloot inhabitants’ lives. I can’t say I know a lot about them or their lives but my feeling was that Professor Harber did a good job there. I hope the people of Diepsloot agree!

Conclusively, if you’re interested in South Africa, if you’re interested in poverty and community development, if you’re interested in politics, if you’re interested in society, social issues, and the world we live in, then take some time to read Diepsloot.

So I decided, perhaps I’m a Type 2 then. When I started reading the profile for Type 2 – The Helper – I almost got scared of how representative of me it was! Creepy!!!

I also read Type 1 and Type 3 and they too represented me fairly well. So between the three Types, I think my personality is pretty covered

Reading Type 3, however, it was interesting to see how I have changed in the last 2-3 years. Thanks academia for teaching me what true happiness really means to me – or in this particular case, what is not happiness to me…

Enneagram Type 2 – The Helper

Helpers who need to be needed

Enneagram type 2 – The HelperPeople of this personality type essentially feel that they are worthy insofar as they are helpful to others. Love is their highest ideal. Selflessness is their duty. Giving to others is their reason for being. Involved, socially aware, usually extroverted, Twos are the type of people who remember everyone’s birthday and who go the extra mile to help out a co-worker, spouse or friend in need.

Twos are warm, emotional people who care a great deal about their personal relationships, devote an enormous amount of energy to them, and who expect to be appreciated for their efforts. They are practical people who thrive in the helping professions and who know how to make a home comfortable and inviting. Helping others makes Twos feel good about themselves; being needed makes them feel important; being selfless, makes Twos feel virtuous. Much of a Two’s self-image revolves around these issues, and any threat to that self-image is scarcely tolerated. Twos are thoroughly convinced of their selflessness, and it is true that they are frequently genuinely helpful and concerned about others. It is equally true, however, that Twos require appreciation; they need to be needed. Their love is not entirely without ulterior motive.

Twos often develop a sense of entitlement when it comes to the people closest to them. Because they have extended themselves for others, they begin to feel that gratitude is owed to them. They can become intrusive and demanding if their often unacknowledged emotional needs go unmet. They can be bossy and manipulative, feeling entirely justified in being so, because they “have earned the right” and their intentions are good. The darkest side of the type Two fixation appears when the Two begins to feel that they will never receive the love they deserve for all of their efforts. Under such circumstances, they can become hysterical, irrational and even abusive.

Because Twos are generally helping others meet their needs, they can forget to take care of their own. This can lead to physical burnout, emotional exhaustion and emotional volatility. Twos need to learn that they can only be of true service to others if they are healthy, balanced and centered in themselves.

Twos can mistype themselves if they are not in an obvious helper role in their professional lives; they might not recognize the extent of their involvement in assisting others. This is especially true for male Twos, who have not received the same social rewards for helping as female Twos receive. Male Twos frequently mistype as Ones or Threes, the wings of type Two. Females, of all types, are bound to recognize some of the dynamics of type Two in their personalities, as such qualities have been socially reinforced. Female Nines, for instance, are especially prone to mistyping as Twos, particularly if they are the mothers of small children. But Nines are self-effacing and humble; Twos are proud and have a strong sense of their own worth.

Enneagram Type 1 – The Reformer

Perfectionists, responsible, fixated on improvement

Enneagram type 1 – The ReformerPeople of this personality type are essentially looking to make things better, as they think nothing is ever quite good enough. This makes them perfectionists who desire to reform and improve; idealists who strive to make order out of the omnipresent chaos.

Ones have a fine eye for detail. They are always aware of the flaws in themselves, others and the situations in which they find themselves. This triggers their need to improve, which can be beneficial for all concerned, but which can also prove to be burdensome to both the One and those who are on the receiving end of the One’s reform efforts.

The One’s inability to achieve the perfection they desire feeds their feelings of guilt for having fallen short, and fuels their incipient anger against an imperfect world. Ones, however, tend to feel guilty about their anger. Anger is a “bad” emotion, and Ones strive sincerely and wholeheartedly to be “good.” Anger is therefore vigorously repressed from consciousness, bursting forth in occasional fits of temper, but usually manifesting in one of its many less obvious permutations – impatience, frustration, annoyance and judgmental criticality. For this reason, Ones can be difficult to live with, but, on the high side, they tend to be loyal, responsible and capable partners and friends.

Ones are serious people; they tend to be highly principled, competent and uncompromising. They follow the rules and expect others to do so as well. Because they believe so thoroughly in their convictions, they are often excellent leaders who can inspire those who follow them with their own vision of excellence. Reform movements are frequently spearheaded by Ones.

Ones are often driven and ambitious, and are sometimes workaholics. But whatever their professional involvement, they are definitely active, practical people who get things done. They are natural born organizers, listmakers who finish everything on the list, the last one to leave the office, the first one to return, industrious, reliable, honest and dutiful.

The relentlessness of their pursuit of the ideal can make Ones tense people who have a hard time relaxing and who unnecessarily deny themselves many of the harmless pleasures of life. They tend to be emotionally repressed and uncomfortable with expressing tender feelings; they generally see emotionality as a sign of weakness and lack of control. They are seldom spontaneous. They have multiple interests and talents however; they are self-reliant and seldom run out of things to do.

Ones are often intelligent and independent and can easily mistake themselves for Fives, but unlike Fives, Ones are primarily people of action, not thought. Ones tend to worry and are prone to anxiety and can sometimes mistype as Sixes, but they are far less affiliative than Sixes and their standards are not reached by seeking consensus with a group. Finally, the relentless pursuit of perfection can take its toll and lead to depression. At such times, a One can mistype as a Four. But Fours have a tendency towards self-indulgence whereas Ones are self-denying. Fours are emotionally expressive; Ones are emotionally constrained.

Enneagram Type 3 – The Achiever

Focused on the presentation of success, to attain validation

Enneagram type 3 – the AchieverPeople of this personality type need to be validated in order to feel worthy; they pursue success and want to be admired. They are frequently hard working, competetive and are highly focused in the pursuit of their goals, whether their goal is to be the most successful salesman in the company or the “sexiest” woman in their social circle. They are often “self-made” and usually find some area in which they can excel and thus find the external approbation which they so desperately need. Threes are socially competent, often extroverted, and sometimes charismatic. They know how to present themselves, are self-confident, practical, and driven. Threes have a lot of energy and often seem to embody a kind of zest for life that others find contagious. They are good networkers who know how to rise through the ranks. But, while Threes do tend to succeed in whatever realm they focus their energies, they are often secretly afraid of being or becoming “losers.”

Threes can sometimes find intimacy difficult. Their need to be validated for their image often hides a deep sense of shame about who they really are, a shame they unconsciously fear will be unmasked if another gets too close. Threes are often generous and likable, but are difficult to really know. When unhealthy, their narcissism takes an ugly turn and they can become cold blooded and ruthless in the pursuit of their goals.

Because it is central to the type Three fixation to require external validation, Threes often, consciously and unconsciously, attempt to embody the image of success that is promoted by their culture. Threes get in trouble when they confuse true happiness, which depends on inner states, with the image of happiness which society has promoted. If a Three has a “good” job and an “attractive” mate, she might be willing, through an act of self-deception which is also self-betrayal, to ignore the inner promptings which tell her that neither her job, nor her mate are fulfilling her deeper needs. Even the most “successful” Threes, who generally appear quite happy, often hide a deeply felt sense of meaninglessness. The attainment of the image never quite satisfies.

Threes can sometimes mistype themselves when they mistake the more superficial features of their personalities as indicators of their type. So, for instance, an intellectual Three might mistype as a Five; a Three who is devoted to her role as mother might think she is a Two; a Three in a leadership position might mistype as an Eight and so on. Regardless of the manifestation however, the core of the type Three fixation is the deep need for external validation.

my heart might burst before the dawn
will my pain leave and forever be gone
no breaths at all than breaths of pain
my trust’s in God, make me never hurt again

- vania

No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentine’s Day because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money

Reading Lisa James’ ‘Mummy Knew’ made me feel the same. Just reading the back cover I felt uneasy. I knew, though, that with my interest in such topics – child abuse – I just had to read the book.

It took a while into the book before the ‘full blown’ abuse developed. The whole time I was tense and my anxiety grew and grew in anticipation of what was about to come. (I wasn’t actually sure beforehand exactly what type of abuse it was going to be but I could only imagine…) My heart was beating so hard and I was disgusted and frustrated while reading this book. Not to mention angry; the number of adults and other people who failed to put an ending to such a horrific treatment of a little child made me absolutely furious! I know it was the 60s and whatnot but still!

Worse than that, though, for me, was my feelings of questioning the little girl’s behaviour. I ‘know’ so very well, through my academic education, how individuals/children in such situations may be feeling and how they may be acting, and why they may be acting that way. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking ‘but…’. And then felt ashamed. And then I’d think it again. And then…

Truth is, as the girl got older and the abuse got worse, I gradually felt it all got a bit too much for me. Not because of the horrendous treatment she was receiving; there is no doubt in my mind that there are animals out there in the world fully capable of acting like that. But simply because my presumptions and expectations about the book and the actual story which I was reading did not match up. There’s a quotation on the front cover, regarding the girl’s courage. All throughout the book, however, I couldn’t help but feeling this supposed courage was lacking and wondering when the story would reach the point of courage. Luckily the girl showed some courage at the end, which is a lot more than you can say about any of her family members. Disgraceful. After I finished the book, however, after having read all the horrible things the girl had endured, I was left feeling that it was incredible and unbelievable strength the girl had been illustrating, not necessarily courage. And this discrepancy between my own presumptive expectations and the story that unfolded is one reason why I struggled with the story.

But how on earth do you say that to, or about, a person who has been so horribly abused nearly all her life?!?!? I know I know – my reading about it is nothing compared to what she had to actually go through. I understand that. I, nonetheless, struggled more and more towards the end. And for me, as someone who is passionate about these topics, as someone who researches them, and as someone who is trying her best to shatter illusions and myths, it was hard for me to come to terms with my own thoughts and feelings while reading the book once it got too much for me. And that is the second reason why I struggled so much.

Anyhoo, the only thing keeping me going was knowing, or hoping, that there would be ‘a happy ending’. I read all 307 pages in one day.

This isn’t the kind of book I’d recommend to anyone to read. It’s not ‘entertaining’; captivating but not entertaining. Read it by all means – the more people who become aware of these issues, the better – but make sure you have strong nerves. Not saying that I necessarily have strong nerves in general but my research interest in such topics ‘protects’ me. Even for me though, it was a heavy emotional struggle.